Apple Response to FBI Demands: Reorganize as Religion

Apple plans to reorganize as a religious institution.

Cupertino, California — Apple Corporation (AAPL) is reorganizing as a 501(c)(3) religious institution. This is in response to demands from the FBI to provide access to the iPhone used by one of the San Bernardino terrorists in the December 2015 shooting.

With Apple's reorganization, each iPhone will be recognized as its own church.

With Apple’s reorganization, each iPhone will be recognized as its own church.

Apple CEO Tim Cook explained. “By reorganizing as a 501(c)(3) religious institution, each iPhone is designated as its own church. That allows the United Church of Apple to invoke the ancient legal protection ‘right of asylum’, which began with the Council of Orleans in 511 under Clovis I.”

With the transition to religious institution, Cook’s CEO title has changed to Archbishop.

Archbishop Cook went on to say, “Because of our reorganization, Apple cannot respond to the FBI’s request to help break into one of our churches, in this case an iPhone 5c. Each iPhone is a sanctuary for its user. Allowing any government to breach that sanctuary would be a violation of the sacred trust between the United Church of Apple  and our millions of Apple believers.”

Industry commentators observed that Apple’s reorganization is not entirely unexpected. Apple’s followers have shown “religious zeal” since the first appearance of the iPhone. The official reorganization of Apple into a religion codifies a sociological transformation that has already taken place.

An FBI spokesperson did not immediately respond to a request for comment, however, legal scholars consulted by To Tally Nöttr Üe confirmed that the FBI would face an uphill battle in overcoming the Right of Asylum precedent set at the Council of Orleans in 511.

The new United Church of Apple will be the world’s fourth largest religion in terms of active members, ranking behind Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. It will be the second largest in the world in terms of assets on hand, behind the Catholic church.

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